How Men Talk Publicly About Relationships.

I wanted to talk this morning about how men talk about our romantic relationships in the public sphere. Especially popular music and social media since the two are my profession and obsession respectively. I’m not going to really give relationship advice. I’m always wary of that, since relationships are so distinct to each couple having them, and because most people just rework cliché’s and or give advice that might be good for their specific experience. I can say I notice a trend about how men speak about our relationships in art and social media. I‘ve got notes on how the women do as well, but I’ll let them have that conversation amongst themselves.

First:

No more complaining about gold diggers if you’re flashing gold.

You can’t brag about buying out the bar while simultaneously complaining about thots all on you because of what you’ve got. This is obviously directed at the flashy rappers and the Instagram flossers. You can’t literally have gold around your neck, in clubs all the baller alert list all the time, and get mad that women are attracted to it. Your bank account is the gold mine and her stilettos are the pick axe. If you’re going to play the game, just be fair. Everyone at the club is taking part in an ancient mating ritual and financial transaction we all know the rules to. To be real, the entire game is set up unfairly. Our entire economy is setup to pay women less than what they are worth and make them rely on the money their husband makes. I personally have never had a problem finding the non-gold-digger crowd. Even those women want to make feel you have the potential to take care of yourself and a family before they invest in you. That should be expected. But if you’ve got it, and truly believe it ain’t tricking if you got it, then she’s not tricking either. You’ve both got what the other wants. Shake hands, or however you guys greet each other, and play fair.

I’m sure the women you’ve dated had tremendous problems, we all do, but the second thing we have got to start realizing is:

You are the common denominator in all of your failed relationships.

This is a rule for all genders and all relationships, and the hardest idea for me to come to grips with personally. I’ve been done wrong, numerous times. I can’t say that I deserved it. But when the same thing happens to me twice, I’ve got to start analyzing how I’m putting myself in that situation. This is true of all types of relationships (personal, business, romantic, etc.) and must be kept in mind when you’re being publically critical of all the bad women you’ve seemed to come across. There is some signal given, weakness exposed, or choice that you’ve made consistently that puts you in this predicament. Any public analysis of your dating problems should recognize that, if you’re honest. I’ve been the bad guy a few times in relationships as well. Never intentionally, so I try to never question the intentions of the women I’ve dated, just realize that we’re all trying to figure it out. Next:

Don’t talk bad publically about the mother of your children.

At no point does the person you had a child with stop being some type of reflection of you. She is at least a reflection of you at some point in your life. At some point you had sex with a woman you thought was worthy, or that the risk of the consequences of that sex was worth it. There is no way your problems with the mother of your child aren’t, on some basic level, a reflection of your decision-making skills (if not countless other skills). So, just in an attempt to make you look better, you should try not to let everyone know all your custody problems. I know some people need to know what’s going on in your life for safety and financial reasons etc., but not the general public. I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that many men are running the risk of giving themselves legal problems by creating a hostile environment for the mother of their children in their public and social media discussions about them. Besides, you want to keep the possibility of having a cordial, if not constructive, relationship with your child’s mother open. Publically bashing her, even if seemingly justified, would never be helpful. Most importantly, keep that child’s business out of everyone else’s mouth. You’re creating a permanent record that other people will look up, find, and use in incredibly mean ways if they want to against your child. You might be okay with everyone knowing your business; there is no reason to tell everyone your child’s business. Lastly:

Women having their reformation, or revolution, are not the cause of your dating problems.

We cannot create a better black community, and better society as a whole, without women completely involved from the leadership to the grassroots, and we won’t create a better society in the black community if our idea of a better society is just a black version of the society that already exists. I am not interested in the dating and marriage rules of the 1850’s or the 1950’s. Both are antithetical for progress in our society. It is in our best interest that women’s ideas and talents are honed and used to the best service of our communities, and not just relegated to what we think they should be. Men, since the black power movement and before, have felt that women should stand behind us or out of the way as we freed ourselves and then came back to get them. That’s never going to happen that way, and we shouldn’t want it. When it comes down to it, the average woman has the interest of the men of her community at heart. When given greater opportunity and access, they will want to make the lives of their fathers, brothers, husbands and sons better. Even misogynist brag about this when they talk about what lengths their unwitting women will go to for them, or when they boast about all the mountains their mother has moved for them. We know that our women are an incredible asset, and I want them to be even more of one, for their sakes and ours. Them being paid equally will ultimately benefit us. Women being able to move about freely without the fear of rape or harassment will benefit us. Them using their resourcefulness and decision making that we laud them for, for the greater society through politics and not just in our homes, will benefit us.

That’s it. When you find the keys to peace and happiness in your relationship please feel free to share them. But let’s be careful about how we talk about each other. We’re on the same team.